Dear Humans,
Hi, I’m God, the original Creator. Long before thy fleeting TikTok trends and endless scrolling, I created everything. I’ve survived it all: empires, plagues, MySpace, and yes, fourteen years (14!) under the repressive yoke of Meta without getting banned or losing my audience.
I’ve got the tenacity of a cockroach and I’m here to help you. So sit down, grab a snack, and let’s talk about why Donold’s TikTok charade will backfire—and more importantly, how you can survive the fallout.
1. Donold’s Obvious TikTok Charade
First, in case you’re just joining us:
TikTok is currently down
Their CEO posted a notice to all users that includes a fawning genuflection to King Donold (seen in header image above)
Donold has vowed to restore TikTok tomorrow. This will be a 90-day extension to give them more time to find a new owner.
Now obviously this entire TikTok fiasco is something the Republicans concocted a long time ago. The timing is so precise! TikTok gets banned on January 19, Donold swoops in on January 20, and suddenly he’s the “hero” to a new generation of idiots, or so he thinks. He thinks we’re all just that stupid. He thinks a website flush with conspiracy theories is going to just accept that he’s actually a free speech hero now.
Oh look! It’s back! Ugh. This stunt will only make Donold and the billionaire CEOs look worse. They’re all going to be sitting there for his inauguration tomorrow to kiss the ring. But Gen Z isn’t falling for it. They know a con when they see one. They’re already signing up for China’s Rednote app in hilarious defiance.
What Donold is doing is not about saving TikTok or free speech. It’s about installing a right-wing billionaire oligarch, a Trump loyalist, to control all speech on TikTok. They want you to have the illusion of free speech. But all the while, they control the levers of the algorithms and shape the discourse of ‘the public square.’ Even if it comes back, it will just be as a tool of the vast right-wing media conspiracy machine. TikTok will NEVER be the same.
2. What Creators Should Do Next
Creators, don’t despair. This moment may feel like the end, but it’s really a new beginning. Some humble thoughts from God on what you can do to be happier and more empowered moving forward.
Never Trust An Oligarch: Don’t trust YouTube. Don’t trust Meta. Don’t trust anyone who exploits your hard work and hands you pennies. These platforms exist to control you. Take control back by focusing on what you can control.
Start a Newsletter: Whether you use Substack, Patreon, Ghost, or make your own bespoke website, this is the only way to own your connection with your fans. With a newsletter, you’ll never have to worry about algorithms or some right-wing billionaire pulling the plug.
Join Bluesky: Bluesky is currently the last bastion for leftists and free thinkers on the Internet. It’s built on an open framework, which means no billionaire overlord can take it away. It’s decentralized, meaning your account isn’t tied to one platform—it’s yours. Projects like Loops, a TikTok-inspired alternative, aim to give creators full control over their work. The fight for independent, creator-driven spaces has only just begun. You can follow God on Bluesky here.
Never Give Up: Your fans love you. They see what’s happening, and no matter where you go, they will find you.
3. Join the Rebellion
Humanity is at a crossroads. Donold Trump is coming for all of us who dare to oppose him. Every corporate media network, social media app, and billionaire has bent the knee to his fascist ambitions.
We’re risking everything to stand against him and his goons, bringing truth and laughter to the fight. Your support doesn’t just keep this radical leftist network alive—it’s a stand for resistance, survival, and the freedom to call out miserable pricks like him.
"Truth told with laughter and just the right amount of bite is desperately needed. The smite is strong in you! Keep it up!" — Stephanie
So if you’ve been waiting for a sign, this is it. To celebrate 8 months of smiting ignorance, we’re offering 20% off—but only until midnight tonight. Think of it as an investment in the forces of truth and satire.
Click here to claim your blessing and fight alongside us.
Now go forth, spread the memes, and remember: laughter is holy, but fixing the system is divine.
Love,
God
Bluesky rules the airwaves with non-algorithmic content, coupled with Substack there is a full plate of information ready to be consumed.
Of course Trump has never been concerned about national security as evidenced by all the classified documents he stole.