Trump Begs the Supreme Court to Make His Penis Bigger

"If they can decide elections, they can decide this."

Jun 04, 2024

Trump holds his arms out wide to indicate how big he wants his penis to be.

NEW YORK CITY – In a move that shocked even his most ardent supporters, former President Donald Trump has reportedly filed an emergency petition to the Supreme Court, requesting a ruling to enlarge his small penis.

The 2024 presumptive Republican nominee made his plea in a rambling post on his Truth Social site, begging the Supreme Court for help in this matter.

“Stormy Daniels told the world how small my penis is, conveniently for the Fascists,” Trump wrote. “A Radical Left Soros backed God, who has never proven his existence even ONCE, who gave me this pathetic excuse for a dong, who was appointed by the Democrats, who is HIGHLY CONFLICTED, gets to decide how big my wiener is??”

Sources close to the former president confirmed that Trump believes the highest court in the land, known for interpreting the Constitution and reviewing cases of national importance, has the authority to grant his request.

"It's a matter of national security," Trump said in a press conference, holding his arms out wide to indicate how big he wants his penis to be. "I've got the biggest hands, the biggest brain, and now I need the Supreme Court to give me the biggest SCHLONG. If they can decide elections, they can decide this. If they can overturn my criminal conviction, they can do this. If they can make me immune from VD, they can do this."

Legal experts were quick to point out that the Supreme Court does not have the power to grant such personal requests. "The Supreme Court's role is to interpret the law, not to fulfill bizarre personal fantasies," said Professor Amanda Hayes of Georgetown Law School. "This is unprecedented and utterly absurd."

Despite this, Trump's legal team, led by the ever-loyal Rudy Giuliani, has crafted a 100-page brief arguing that the Constitution's silence on penile enhancement leaves the door open for judicial intervention. "If it's not explicitly prohibited, it's allowed," Giuliani declared at a press conference in front of The Leather Man, an erotic shop in the West Village, waving a stack of papers that looked suspiciously like they were hastily written on the back of cocktail napkins. “President Trump deserves to have the biggest penis possible. We all do.”

In a surprising twist, several conservative justices have expressed their support for Trump's request. Justice Brett Kavanaugh has even gone so far as to offer Trump some pills he found online that he swears by, despite his wife's skeptical remarks. "They work, believe me, bro," Kavanaugh insisted during a private meeting, though his wife was heard muttering something to the contrary.

Justice Samuel Alito also voiced his backing, stating, "If the president wants it, we'll find a way to make it happen. We owe him that much." Justice Clarence Thomas nodded in agreement, adding, "The Constitution is a living document. If it can evolve to include this, why not make our dicks bigger too?"

Meanwhile, the liberal justices have privately expressed disbelief and amusement at the request. "I thought I had seen it all," one justice reportedly said. "But this is some bullshit."

Supporters of Trump, however, rallied around their leader, with many arguing that the Supreme Court should fulfill his request to show their loyalty. "MAKE DONALD’S PENIS GREAT AGAIN!" said one enthusiastic supporter at a rally outside the court.

As the nation waits for the Supreme Court's decision on Trump’s small penis, one thing is clear: Trump is a convicted-cult-leader dipshit-psychopath who is totally disconnected from reality.

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