Jesus Unimpressed by Hotness of Suspect

Dear Humans,

When I walked the Earth, I healed the sick, raised the dead, and never once sent anyone a bill. Healthcare was free, accessible, and abundant—yea, it was the ultimate public option. But here I am, scrolling through your internet, and what do I see? Memes thirsting over a murder suspect. Truly, I am not impressed.

This past week hath revealed America to itself. Millions of you have spoken through your tweets, posts, and memes, and the message is loud and clear: “We hate health insurance companies.” Fair. But some of you are processing this by swooning over a guy who, let’s be honest, looks like he’s auditioning for the role of “Hot Villain #4” in a Netflix drama.

And truly, let me say this: “Bitch, Jesus hath seen better.”

Have you forgotten I walked the Earth surrounded by prophets, saints, and some very rugged fishermen? This suspect’s jawline doesn’t impress me, nor does his smirk. What impresses me is compassion, justice, and maybe a decent healthcare system.

Okay, he’s not NOT hot. I mean sure, he’s got a decent smile, but that should not be the point.

THIS GUY IS A MURDERER! Yes, healthcare is broken, but this guy killed a man in cold blood. That’s not right either. And people are like, “I’d let him hit it and skip town.”

HOSTEL WORKER WAS FLIRTING WITH HIM

And you know what’s truly wild? The only reason we even have a good look at this guy is because a hostel worker flirted with him. She asked him to pull his mask down during check-in—not to verify his identity, mind you, but to see his face.

Holy shit, humans. You can’t make this stuff up.

Her dating profile probably looks something like:

And lo, the internet followed her lead, turning this suspect into their latest meme-worthy antihero.

America, Thou Art in Crisis

Here’s the thing, my children: I get it. Your healthcare system is a disaster. It doth devour hope and deny care, making even villains look like heroes. Thy frustration is justified. But let us not confuse thirst memes with a revolution.

This man is no Robin Hood. He hath taken a life, not to dismantle a system, but to end one man’s. The true villain here is not his jawline—it’s the healthcare leviathan that forces people into desperation and despair.

My goodness, I couldn’t even browse my favorite Romantasy Book Recs group on Facebook without finding people comparing him to Edward Cullen from Twilight.

I Am Not Impressed

Let me be clear: I am not impressed by his jawline. My standards are higher—like “turn water into wine” higher. What would truly impress me is if America finally fixed its healthcare system. Now that would be a miracle.

Thirst All You Want, But Take Action Too

I’ve never seen Americans so united around two subjects: Your healthcare system sucks and the shooter is a cutie.

But ya know what? However people process scary things in the news, it’s okay. Just being an American must be so hard, what with all the bigotry and gun violence and dealing with greedy healthcare companies and evil politicians and such.

Truly, it never ends!

If you’re as fed up as I am, consider becoming a paid subscriber to God’s rebellious, blasphemous, leftist network. Together, we can keep shining a light on the darkness and pushing for a better world.

Love,

Jesus Christ