Jesus Christ Reportedly “Pissed” at Pope Francis for Cracking Down on His Appearances on Toast

HEAVEN - Jesus Christ expressed his vehement displeasure at Pope Francis today in response to the Vatican’s recent crackdown on supernatural phenomena, specifically his beloved appearances on toast.

The new norms, which took effect on May 19, aim to quickly evaluate and verify the supernatural origin of various phenomena occurring within the Catholic world. These phenomena include everything from apparitions and weeping statues to the more controversial appearances of Jesus and the Virgin Mary in breakfast foods. The Vatican’s document neither endorses nor rejects supernatural events but sets up criteria to separate the authentic from the fake.

While that’s all well and good, the King of Kings is furious.

"I’ve been making special appearances on toast for centuries," said Jesus on a phone conference with reporters. "It’s one of my favorite ways to connect with people over breakfast. Now, Pope Francis is trying to take that all away. I’m fucking pissed.”

According to sources close to the Savior, Jesus feels particularly targeted by these new regulations. Jesus argues that this process is "too bureaucratic" and that he is being “crucified again.” He elaborated, "The Holy Spirit works in mysterious ways. Sometimes, that means appearing in a piece of whole wheat or sourdough. Who the fuck is Pope Francis to judge? Let people enjoy things. Don’t yuck other people’s yum, you fucking prick."

Previously, decisions regarding the supernatural were primarily made by local authorities. With the new document, however, the Vatican has taken a stricter stance, allowing for multiple classifications of phenomena but rarely outright endorsing them as supernatural. In fact, a declaration of a supernatural event having taken place will almost never happen unless the Pope himself intervenes.

“Now, in order for one of my divine appearances on toast to be deemed a miracle, it has to be personally approved by that bastard Pope Francis,” said Jesus. “And that’s obviously some serious bureaucratic bullshit. I’m sorry, I thought I was the head of the fucking church? Who died on the cross again? Was it Pope Francis? I didn’t think so.” 

While the Vatican’s intention is to curb misinformation and disinformation, especially in the digital age, critics argue that these new norms will disenchant the world by reducing the number of recognized supernatural phenomena. For Jesus, it feels like a direct hit to his breakfast-time engagement strategy.

"If the Pope thinks he can control how and where I make my appearances, he’s got another goddamn thing coming. I’ll be back – on bagels, on waffles, and yes, even on gluten-free toast. I’ll show up wherever I want, whenever I want. I’m Jesus, motherfucker. That punk-ass bitch Pope Francis can’t stop me."

Whether this divine protest will lead to any changes in the Vatican’s stance remains to be seen. In the meantime, believers everywhere are advised to keep a close eye on their morning toast – you never know who might show up.