Dear Humans,
At Lindsey Graham’s funeral at Washington National Cathedral, Donald Trump looked up to the sky and said he thought Lindsey Graham was in Heaven. BWAHAHAHA! 🤣
As the owner and operator of Heaven, I must refute these claims as vehemently as possible. Lindsey’s not here, man. Why would he be?😂
Before we begin, bless the little heart on this post so the Epstein Class billionaires who own social media are forced to spread God’s truth like wildfire. And if you love God’s newsletter, make sure to join today as a paid subscriber, I’ve got a big special going right now:
1. He’s Not In Heaven
At the funeral, Donald actually looked toward the ceiling and said:
“Sitting, laying, wherever he may be. I think I know where he is. I think he’s up there and watching us. I’m pretty sure of it.”
“I’m pretty sure of it.”
Pretty sure? Sounds like Donald’s not sure. And for good reason.
The idea that these people can spend their entire lives promoting bigotry, threatening to bomb other countries, enabling fascism, and then automatically become saints when they die?
VERILY, I say unto thee, that God finds that fucking comical.
Then Sean Hannity used the opportunity to publicly fellate Donald:
“My President, Lindsey probably has a heavenly version of Mar-a-Lago. It may even be a little bigger. I wouldn’t be surprised if he added one big, beautiful ballroom and an arch somewhere on the property. Because he would want to obviously duplicate his dearest friend in life. You.”
BELIEVE GOD, HUMANS! There is no seedy Mar-a-Lago location in Heaven. The very concept is vile. Mar-a-Lago is a haven for vile criminals like the Greenwater Services guy.
Oh also, Sleepy Donald fell asleep.💤
You know how all dogs go to Heaven? Well, all MAGA go to Hell.
I spoke to Lindsey Graham today for 20 minutes and he just said “AAAGHHHH!! AGHHH!!! IT BURNS!!! HEY IS THAT MITCH? HI MITCH! HI RUSH! HI REAGAN!!”
2. How To Smite Trump Today
Last weekend, complicit corporate media just sat there and laughed while Donald put on a TRUMP 2028 hat.
Now they will spend the next week pretending Lindsey Graham was a great and honorable man.
But I won’t. You and I both know those are lies from the pit of hell.
That’s why supporting independent media matters.
Letters from God is now the #1 Humor publication on Substack. Every post is a middle finger to fascism, and your support helps us hire more editors and creatives to put more truth and comedy into the world.
This is the last night I’ll be offering a discount this big for a looong time, so get it while you still can.
Love,
God
Ear worm: “Well, this is just a little Peyton Place
And you're all Harper Valley hypocrites"
Nope, I'm pretty sure Lindsey Graham is suiting up as Satan's new golf caddy. Spoiler: Satan has a crappy backswing, so ol' Lindz is gonna get nailed a LOT.