HEAVEN - In a special episode of the God Pod, God Himself addressed recent claims made by several megachurch pastors that He intervened to save Donald Trump's life from an assassination attempt.
"Let me get this straight," God began, his voice booming with divine irritation, "these so-called pastors are out there saying I spared Trump's life…because I love him? You think I care about that guy? The Bible salesman with the golden sneakers?"
The claim that Trump was saved by divine intervention has been circulating among various evangelical circles, with prominent figures like Pastor John Hagee and Franklin Graham leading the charge. They assert that Trump's survival from a recent assassination attempt by a right-wing shooter, whose motives are still unknown, is proof of God's favor.
"Franklin Graham actually said that I 'personally protected' Trump," God continued, his eyes rolling to the back of his head. "Then why’d I let his ear get all nicked and bloody then? I wasn’t there. I was busy that day, okay? I had more important things to do. I was playing with Lego at the time with my headphones on."
God pointed out the absurdity of attributing Trump's survival to divine will, especially considering the pandemic, natural disasters, and various global crises He has on His plate.
"These pastors are out here acting like I'm Trump's personal bodyguard," God said. “If that were true, why’d I let it happen at all then, huh? HUH?!? Listen, I wouldn’t be caught dead at a Trump rally. Just being in Trump’s orbit is dangerous. First Herman Cain, now an innocent bystander. Leave me out of this!”
Jesus, who co-hosts the podcast, chimed in as well. "It's ridiculous, Dad," he said. "They're turning you into some kind of cheerleader for Trump. What's next? Saying you wanna Hawk Tuah on that thing?"
The episode took a serious turn when God addressed the dangerous implications of such claims. "By saying I saved Trump, they're implying that I endorse everything he says and does," God explained. "That's not just wrong, it's insane. He’s objectively the antichrist. Have you googled Project 2025 yet? It’s terrifying!”
God ended the episode with a clear message to the megachurch pastors: "Stop dragging my name into your political games. I've got enough to handle without dealing with your bullshit."
QUESTION:
On a scale of 1-1000, how tired are you of hearing about this story already?
1,035! Enough already!
Pretending that fuckface has ANY connection to God is ludicrous! TFG is a PLAGUE!
I'm tired of stories of those exalting him. I'll read the satire forever.