PALM BEACH, FLORIDA - Former President Donald Trump barely survived a harrowing boating mishap that involved electrocution and a brief encounter with sharks this morning. The incident occurred off the coast of Mar-a-Lago, where Trump was reportedly showing off on a poorly maintained boat.
Witnesses reported that the trouble began when Trump, trying to impress his guests and bragging about his recent statements on boat electrocution, decided to charge his phone while standing barefoot in a puddle of water on the boat's deck.
"It was the most shocking thing I've ever seen," said one onlooker. "Literally. He lit up like a Christmas tree. You could almost hear 'Jingle Bells' playing."
The electrocution sent Trump flailing overboard, splashing into the shark-infested waters below. In the chaos, he accidentally triggered a nearby flare gun, which shot into the air and exploded in a burst of red, white, and blue sparks.
As he floundered, a couple of curious sharks approached, apparently mistaking him for an easy meal.
"I've never seen a shark look so confused," said a marine biologist who happened to be nearby. "They circled him, took a sniff, and then swam away in disgust. One even seemed to gag. It’s as if they found him unpalatable."
Experts speculate that the strong odor of fecal matter emanating from the former president may have repelled the sharks just as they were about to bite.
"It's not every day you see a shark turn down a meal," said a local fisherman. "Must've been that infamous Trump scent. They say it’s a blend of desperation, bad spray tan, and a full diaper."
As Trump's security team scrambled to rescue him, one member accidentally fell overboard, while another slipped on a banana peel.
Trump was eventually rescued by his security team, who used a net to heave him back onto the boat, where he immediately began ranting about a new conspiracy.
"Covfefe!" Trump shouted before collapsing.
Despite the ordeal, Trump survived and was later seen giving a thumbs up to the cameras, albeit with a rather singed look.
"I told you I was the best swimmer," Trump declared. "Not only did I survive the sharks, but I also beat electricity. No one's ever done that before. Believe me."
Meanwhile, The New York Times has already published an opinion piece explaining how this incident is bad for Biden.
DISCLAIMER: We apologize profusely that this story isn't real. As much as we'd all love it, this tale is purely satirical. Please enjoy the absurdity with a pinch of imagination.
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On a scale of 1-10, I give it a 27. It's not higher since I knew it wasn't true, but my brain had that slim hope that You actually used your SMITE button 😝🤬
This is just what the doctor ordered on a Monday.
Thank God.