Dear Humans,
Lo, the man who once bragged he’d live forever now hides his sausage fingers and his cankles and wonders aloud if he’ll get into Heaven. He’s not, of course. We don’t let pedos into Heaven!!!
First, thank you to the angels keeping this newsletter running. Free readers, I love you. Paid readers, I love you and you make it possible for me to keep smiting nightly without collapse.
I’ve been hearing all your prayers to smite him down already. Everyday I get deluged with fresh requests. I have been forwarding your concerns to the Grim Reaper and demanding to know why “evil people live forever.”
The current status report is that Trump’s right hand recently turned up blotchy and bruised, and since then it’s been covered in bad makeup.
On Friday, some of the makeup came off and cameras caught him trying to cover it with his other hand, as if concealment could erase those sausage fingers of doom.
And let’s not forget those gigantic cankles. Swollen, wobbling, shuffled past reporters with the official line that it’s just “minor bruising” and “vein issues.” These lies cannot hide the grim specter of Death that haunts his every move. Many people are saying he only has 6-8 months left to live.
This is the man who mocked Hillary’s health, who sneered at Biden’s stutter and mental condition, who claimed he was the picture of strength. Now he’s padding his hands with foundation like a beauty blogger and hiding his fat feet behind his desk.
And yet, his followers chant louder. They swallow the lies because to admit the truth that their orange god is clearly dying would hurt their feelings. Well God says, “Fuck their feelings.”
This space is where hope lives. Dictators die. Always. And as long as men die, freedom will endure.
Remember that when you see the makeup caked on the hand, or when you see those ankles balloon, when you hear his desperate denials. No tyrant can outlive the truth. Thank God for that.
Meanwhile, we keep doing what we do. Every day I roast these fascists, point out the truth, and remind you that you are not crazy. You see what you see. And in a country drowning in denial, that act of seeing clearly is an act of rebellion.
So rest, laugh, and stay loud. His health is his problem. The truth is ours.
Love,
God
P.S. If you want this divine newsletter to keep mocking the lies and telling the truth every night, please share, subscribe or upgrade today.
He’s beyond redemption. He could cure Cancer, give the cure away for free, and he’s still not worthy of Heaven.
For months I’ve insisted that that by Thanksgiving, that guy with the muffin-top Oxfords will assume the Elvis position before the crapper in the Mar-a-Lago confidential documents room. I appreciate that Your opinion makes it more likely that I’ll collect on the bet.