MAR A LAGO - Federal agents conducted a stunning pre-dawn raid this morning to secure a USB drive containing 16 gigabytes of top-secret classified documents hidden within the ear bandage of former President Donald Trump.
“We got a tip on the missing USB drive from a former associate of Mr. Trump,” said FBI Director Christopher Wray at a press conference. “Let’s call him…Ike…Ike Fence. Yeah...that’ll work.”
Donald Trump responded soon after on Truth Social: “BIDEN SENDS FEDS TO RAID MY EAR BANDAGE! WITCH HUNT!!! DERANGED LEFT TITS LOONIES!!” He continued, “THOSE WERE MY PRECIOUS DOCUMENTS AND IF I DERIVE PLEASURE BY HIDING THEM THEN THAT IS MY DIVINE RIGHT AS PRESIDENT!!”
CNN’s official legal expert, Gloria Staton, offered a sobering analysis. “At this point, it doesn’t matter where he stuffs classified documents. He can hide them in his bandage, down his diaper, up his butt, or just eat them and take a huge classified documents dump. Ultimately, the Supreme Court will just rule that Trump’s mega dump was an official act. This is where we are now as a country.”
QUESTION
Where do you think Trump will hide classified documents next?
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He picked Vance purely for his rectal capacity.
Glued to his bald head under the massive combover. (am I the only one who saw the two photos of Trump after the shooting that show clearly that he has no hair on the top and most of the back of his head?: