ATLANTA, GEORGIA - Donald Trump has failed the pre-debate drug test he himself insisted upon for weeks. The test results, which were released earlier today, revealed that the former president is on every drug known to man—many of which he would have no conceivable reason to take.
The failed test included a staggering array of substances. "The lab results showed traces of amphetamines, barbiturates, Adderall, cocaine, steroids, and even a few experimental drugs we didn’t know existed," said one source. "We’re talking medications for heart conditions, psychiatric drugs, performance enhancers, ivermectin, bleach, and even treatments for rare tropical diseases."
Doctors have noted that the sheer volume and variety of drugs in Trump's system are likely the only things keeping him alive. "If he stopped taking these drugs, he might literally melt…or collapse into himself," said one medical professional. "The combination of substances is maintaining some kind of bizarre equilibrium within his body."
In addition to the endless list of legal and illegal drugs he is on, Trump has reportedly been experiencing every side effect possible for many years. These include headache, nausea, dizziness, insomnia, night sweats, day sweats, cold sweats, hot flashes, hallucinations, paranoia, extreme irritability, euphoria, dysphoria, rapid heartbeat, slow heartbeat, heart murmurs, muscle cramps, muscle spasms, tremors, uncontrollable laughter, uncontrollable crying, sudden fits of rage, memory loss, hyperactivity, fatigue, confusion, itching, rash, blurred vision, tunnel vision, auditory hallucinations, visual hallucinations, delusions of grandeur, delusions of persecution, loss of appetite, increased appetite, dry mouth, excessive salivation, constipation, and diarrhea.
“Honestly, it explains a lot,” said CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “Donald Trump is literally held together by drugs and pure hatred.”
The revelation has also thrown Trump's legal status into further jeopardy. While awaiting sentencing, failing a drug test can result in immediate revocation of bail or release conditions, leading to potential immediate imprisonment.
Despite the overwhelming evidence, Trump remains defiant. In a series of all-caps Truth Social posts, he has claimed the drug test was rigged and is part of a conspiracy to undermine his campaign. "THE HATERS AND DERANGED LEFTITS RIGGED MY DRUG TEST BECAUSE THEY KNOW I’LL WIN! WITCH HUNT!"
Despite the failed drug test, the debate will go on as planned.
Disclaimer:
This article is a work of satire and fiction. It is for entertainment purposes only and not intended to be taken as factual reporting. All quotes and situations depicted are fictitious. That said, I mean, come on…Trump has to be on drugs, right?
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MSG, Choloesterol. Praying for the Bigly Myocardial Infarction!!
I think 45 will have a massive stroke over having his microphone turned off, and he will drop dead onstage, thereby saving the world.