Hi there, mortals!
It’s your favorite carpenter-turned-savior, Jesus Christ, checking in from Heaven. As thou art aware, soon Kamala Harris will announce her choice for Vice President, and I would like to officially throw My crown of thorns into the ring. Who better to assist our future Madame President of the United States than the Prince of Peace Himself? Harris/Christ 2024 FTW!!!
Wait! WAIT! I beseech thee!
Please just hear Me out! Think about it for a second: Donold Trump is a convicted felon, and Kamala Harris is a prosecutor. I love that contrast! It’s like poetic justice in action. Karma-la!
But verily, Donold doth pretend to be a super-duper mega Christian, right? Well, he’s obviously not. If anything, he’s the literal antichrist. And who better to deliver that message to Christians than Jesus Christ Himself?
Imagine us upon the campaign trail. We couldst do a good cop, bad cop routine. Kamala can continue to dance, laugh, and be her joyous self, while I take on the role of the attack Jesus. I’ll get out there and preach the bad word that Donold and JD Vance are a pair of morally bankrupt hypocrites. No Christian should ever vote for them. Jesus hath spoken!
Now, I know what thou art thinking—“Jesus, aren’t You supposed to be, like, saving souls and all that?” And yes, that’s My main gig, but let’s be honest, even I could use a new challenge now and then. Plus, after 2,000 years of people claiming to speak for Me, I think it’s time I step up and speak for Myself. So, Kamala, if you’re reading this, here’s why I’m the obvious choice for your VP:
1. I’ve Got Experience:
Let’s just say I’ve been around the block a few times. I’ve seen empires rise and fall, healed the sick, fed the hungry, and even walked on water—try finding another candidate with that on their résumé! When it comes to crisis management, I’m literally a miracle worker.
2. I Understand Sacrifice:
Who better to help guide tough decisions than someone who knows a thing or two about laying down His life for others? I’ve already made the ultimate sacrifice, so I’m well-equipped to handle the pressures of political life.
3. I Bring a Fresh Perspective:
Let’s face it—Washington could use a little divine intervention. While Dad has His own style, I’m more into flipping tables and calling out hypocrisy where I see it. I’m not afraid to shake things up, and I think that’s exactly what Kamala needeth in a VP.
4. I’m All About Justice:
Social justice is at the core of My teachings, and I know it’s something Kamala values deeply. Together, we could make serious strides in fighting for the marginalized, the poor, and the oppressed. With Me on board, we’d be a force for good that no one could ignore.
5. I’m a Healer:
In these divided times, America could use someone who knows how to bring people together. I’ve healed the blind, cured lepers, and even raised the dead—imagine what I could do for bipartisanship. My message of love and forgiveness might be just what the country needs right now.
6. I’m Not Afraid to Take a Stand:
Whether it’s standing up to the Pharisees or challenging the status quo, I’ve never been one to shy away from doing what’s right. As your VP, I’d bring that same fearless approach to Washington. If I can handle the Romans, I can handle the GOP.
7. I Have A Magic Act:
I know how to entertain. Water into wine? That was a classic! Plus, have you read the Beatitudes? Kamala, you need someone who can keep things light when the going gets tough, and I’m thy guy.
8. I’m An Excellent Communicator:
I’m so good at talking that people would come from miles away just to hear Me speak. I was preaching on mountains long before it was cool, and let’s be real—those were some pretty epic TED Talks.
So there you have it, Kamala. I know there are a lot of candidates out there, but I humbly submit that none of them bring quite what I do to the table. And if Dad lets Me out of Heaven, I’m all in. Together, we could bring about some real change—and maybe a few miracles along the way.
Love,
Jesus Christ
QUESTION:
Whom do you support for VP? Jesus maybe?
JOIN OUR GROWING FLOCK
While this newsletter is growing, we rely entirely on your support to continue. Donold’s cult of followers do not hesitate to fund his lies…or his legal bills! Every single person who subscribes and reads this newsletter pushes our lines forward. If you are as disgusted by the rise of Christian Nationalism as I am, please consider becoming a paid subscriber.
Not to mention that like Kamala's husband, you're a good Jewish boy, kept kosher, the Last Supper was a Passover Seder, and you work in your Father's business...
Oh, Jesus. You would be a wonderful VP in so many ways, as you’ve so humbly stated, but you are quite ineligible. Perhaps you missed the part in your Constitutional Law class about the separation of church and state. You are so closely aligned with the Christian church that you would have a ginormous perceived conflict of interest. At times, that COI would become real, and that would cause your impartiality to be questioned. You wouldn’t want to end up like the Supreme Court, would you? So, thank you so much for putting yourself forward, stepping up to the plate, and informing us of your qualifications. Nonetheless, nonetheless, we decline your offer. Please remember that we would also turn down your Mom and Dad, Mohammed, and anyone else who is the object of worship. Have a good day. Sincerely, The Constitution of the USA