MAR-A-LAGO - Former President Donald Trump announced today that he would be naming himself as his own Vice President for his 2024 presidential campaign. The declaration, made to reporters from his golf course, has ignited a media frenzy, with pundits scrambling to dissect the implications of this unprecedented decision.
“After much consideration, I’ve decided to make myself my own Vice President,” Trump shouted. “I need someone I can trust! No one will ever be more loyal to Donald Trump than Donald Trump.”
This announcement comes on the heels of a major press conference by President Joe Biden, who made a gaffe by referring to Kamala Harris as "Vice President Trump." While Biden's performance was otherwise strong, the miscue gave Donald the idea to make himself his own Vice President.
“Vice President Trump just has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?” said Trump to reporters on his golf course. “Biden just made the biggest mistake of his campaign. Now you’re getting twice the Trump for half the bargain.”
Trump’s former Vice President, Mike Pence, responded to the decision with bitterness. “No one cares that Donald tried to have me hung,” said Pence. “I’ve realized that now. He better watch out. Being Donald’s vice president is dangerous business. You never know when President Trump might decide to fire you, and by fire you I mean try to have you hung by an angry mob he stirred up.”
Vice President runner-up JD Vance was extremely disappointed when he learned the news. “I’ve been wearing copious amounts of guyliner for months, and for what?” said a crestfallen Vance on Steve Bannon’s “War Room.” “This is the worst day of my life.”
As Trump’s campaign continues to blur the lines between reality and farce, the American public is left to grapple with the consequences of a media landscape driven by sensationalism and billionaire interests. One can only hope that amidst the chaos, the true essence of democracy prevails.
DISCLAIMER:
I can't believe I have to say this, but this is satire.
QUESTION:
On a scale of 1-10, how sure are you that Donald is the literal antichrist?
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As someone who grew up in Christian Nationalism, I'm always struck by memories of how many times my pastor said well-intentioned people would follow the anti-Christ. I don't think he meant himself and his congregation, but here we are.
Of course he’s the antichrist. No doubt. By the Mark of the Beast, aka MAGA hat, ye shall know him.