Dear Humans,
Donald Trump didst attempt to purchase Greenland. And lo, Greenland smote him. Prepare yourselves, mortals! For today, Greenland strikes back!
1. Greenland Strikes Back
Instead of handing their land over to the criminally insane Donald Trump, so he could steal all their resources to enrich himself, Greenland instead calmly signed a 30-year mining deal with a Danish-French company to extract moon rocks from its icy terrain.
Greenland 2, Trump 0.
Remember when JD Vance tried to visit Greenland with his wife? And everyone rejected him? Good times.
Anyhow, this isn’t just any rock. It’s anorthosite, a rare and precious substance similar to what NASA astronauts brought back from the moon. And it’s being used to build climate-friendly aluminum for aircraft, cars, and defense.
France and Denmark got the big, beautiful deal. Not Donald, who once again blew it.
“All the fuss has not resulted in increased appetite for investment directly in Greenland,” said Greenland’s Mineral Minister.
Donald thought he could intimidate Greenlanders into bending the knee…for free! He hath no idea how tough they are.
It is very cold in Greenland.
Do you know the Klingon proverb that tells us revenge is a dish that is best served cold?
2. God’s Final Word
Greenland does not kneel.
Let their courage be an example for all of us!
You are not helpless!
And you are not alone.
We will not go quietly.
We will not forget. We will stand together.
We will fight like hell. And we will win.
3. Join the Rebellion
Humanity is at a crossroads. Donold Trump is coming for all of us who dare to oppose him. Every corporate media network, social media app, and billionaire has bent the knee to his fascist ambitions.
We’re risking everything to stand against him and his goons, bringing truth and laughter to the fight. Your support doesn’t just keep this radical leftist network alive—it’s a stand for rebellion, survival, and the freedom to call out miserable pricks like him.
But here’s the thing…only a very small percentage of readers actually support this work financially. If even a few more stepped up, we could push back even harder against these fascist psychopaths. We could expand our team. Widen the blast radius. We could take the fight into other realms.
What our readers are saying:
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The truth still lives here. The fire still burns. And we are not alone.
Love,
God
When normal people take over again, I'll be happy. Then and only then.
Thank you, God! I took one look at the clip of “Greenlanders” fighting back and genuinely guffawed for the first time in weeks!