HEAVEN — In a fit of divine fury, God has sent a cease and desist letter to the state of Louisiana, demanding the removal of His Ten Commandments from public school classrooms. The divine directive cites not only an accusation of intellectual property theft but also God’s extreme embarrassment over being so closely associated with Louisiana.
“I am absolutely livid,” God thundered on His podcast. “How dare these HACKS steal my Ten Commandments and use them without my consent, and worse, with such a preposterous accent. It’s beyond embarrassing.”
“Gobbledegook shmibbity shmoo, flibber flabber floo!” Governor Jeff Landry mumbled at press conference, spitting out bits of gumbo. “Jibber jabber, doo wop dee doo, don ya kno’?”
God’s cease and desist letter was explicit: “The unauthorized use of my commandments constitutes intellectual property theft. My teachings are sacred and should not be used without my explicit consent. Moreover, the manner in which these commandments are being represented—in the embarrassingly cringe state of Louisiana—is absolutely mortifying. Using my greatest hits to advance your Christian Nationalist agenda is not ok.”
As Louisiana officials and schools scramble, the threat of a legal reckoning from God Himself looms large. “I never intended for my teachings to be enforced by government mandates,” God added. “And certainly not in Louisiana. Jesus feels the same way.”
“Oh yeah, I am not a fan,” confirmed Jesus. “It’s just such a mediocre place. Nothing but bugs and heat and the smell of pig poop. I wouldn’t be caught dead there! Seriously, for reals, I’d rather be crucified again than go there.”
Despite God’s legal threats, the state of Louisiana vows to continue to force the Ten Commandments onto young people who are too busy browsing videos on YouTube to ever notice or read them.
Disclaimer:
Please note that, like God, this story is not real. However, the threat of Christian Nationalism is very real and threatens the separation of church and state. Join us in standing up for a secular society.
Engagement Question:
On a scale of 1-10, how upset are you about the new law requiring the Ten Commandments to be displayed in Louisiana classrooms? Leave a comment and let me know!
A state that has drive-thru alcohol daiquiri stands, mixed drink go-cups that fit in a car cupholder, and totes guns everywhere, that forces 10-year-olds to have their rapists' babies and covers up priests' sexual abuses clearly hasn't read the Ten Commandments.
I agree with your case, but you forgot to copyright them, and they have been in the public domain for too long.
HOWEVER, divine retribution wouldn’t be a bad idea. Get that fire and brimstone ready to rain down on the Louisiana Statehouse! Anybody up for a BARBECUE?!