Dear Humans,
Thank you, from the depths of God’s heart for all thy support this week. From finally catching the ‘rona, to once again facing an onslaught of morons for daring to defend a woman winning a gold medal, it’s been a lot.
On the other hand, I’m on the Paxlovid and feeling much better. And the response and support from you glorious people hath been tremendous. Reminder, today is the last day to become a paid subscriber at a 20% discount. Click here to claim your Cheer Up God Special. I’m happy to say that quite a few of thee have claimed this offer.
But enough about me—let us dive into the divine comedy that is this week's news. Donold gave a rambling press conference with groceries stacked behind him, and then never got around to mentioning why they were there, only saying “I haven’t seen Cheerios in a long time, I’m gonna take them back with me.” Much like his wife, he hasn’t seen Cheerios in a long time. Got it.
Whilst Donold was busy reminiscing about breakfast cereals, Kamala Harris and Tim Walz were laying down a platform that might actually save America from becoming a grocery store-themed dystopia. They coherently announced, in full sentences, that a key plank of their platform shall be to ban price gouging for groceries and food. Which is a brilliant idea and sorely needed. Verily, Americans need to understand that a handful of corporations are colluding to steal their every last dollar. They will not stop gouging you until you work together to stop them.
Oh also, Tim Walz said he eats ‘white guy tacos’ and Kamala jokingly asked if that meant ‘tuna and mayonnaise.” LOL. That was funny. Even funnier still is how much it triggered the usual right-wing weirdos.
I would be remiss if I didn’t once again LOUDLY STATE that I had nothing to do with saving Donold’s life. It was mere DUMB LUCK.
“God had something to do with it. It’s a miracle, and God had something to do with it…I believe that. My sons are very good shooters.” - Donold Dump
Did he suggest his sons are the ones that pulled the trigger? Doth he suspect Don Jr. and Eric? Or was it that budding serial killer Barron? Only time will tell!
Whether he’s whining about crowd size or planning his escape to Venezuela, there’s not question that Donold’s downfall is most hilarious.
Kamala and Tim are pulling in huge crowds and the passion is real. Trolling the devil, they are truly a sight to see. I am excited for the DNC! Let’s plan to watch it together next week in God’s Substack chatroom!
Have a splendid weekend, humans!
Love,
God
I would love for Donold to move to Venezuela, but I fear Venezuela would just send him back.
Got my popcorn waiting for the coming week, this will be a barn burner!! 👍
I'm delighted to hear you're feeling better. I'll be looking forward to celebrating with you and all of our friends.