HEAVEN— Sources from above have confirmed that The Almighty God Himself died from laughter today shortly after learning that former President Donald Trump was found guilty of paying off a porn star to stay quiet during the 2016 election.
“HAHAHAHA!! BAHAHAHA!” laughed God, rolling around on the floor. “The guy who calls other people crooked is now a convicted criminal! THE GUY WHO SELLS BIBLES is now a convicted felon! AHAHAHAHAH!! HOLY SHIT! This is amazing, my heart is beating too fast, I better sit down.”
The news of Trump's conviction spread quickly through the Pearly Gates, causing uproarious laughter among the angels, saints, and even the more stoic apostles. Jesus was seen high-fiving Moses and later breakdancing in the street.
“Bless the jury for doing the right thing,” said Jesus. “Want a glass of wine to celebrate?”
God's laughter was so intense that it reportedly caused minor earthquakes on Earth, which scientists initially attributed to tectonic activity but now know were just divine chuckles.
“HAHAHAHA!” said God, tears streaming down his face. “This is so, so good. If he actually gets prison time for this, people might start believing in me again.”
"This is the best cosmic joke we've seen in millennia," Saint Peter declared. "A man who claimed to be a moral authority, paying off a porn star. You can't make this stuff up."
Meanwhile, in Hell, Satan was reportedly furious. "I’ve done everything I can to protect him from legal consequences!" the Prince of Darkness lamented. "But there’s only so much I can do when someone is this dumb."
"History will remember this day," God reportedly said between fits of laughter. "Not for the fall of a man, but for the sheer comedic value of it all."
As the celestial laughter echoed through the heavens, it was clear that, for once, divine justice and divine comedy had perfectly aligned.
Thank God. We now have a convicted Felon running for POTUS. #voteblue2024.
Finally a bit of good news, thank you God, keep smiting this fool.