Dear Humans,
Lo, China welcomed President Epstein, Xi warned him about conflict, his inflation polls hit historic toilet levels, and God caught a MAGA catfish in the wild.
Grab your popcorn, humans. It’s time for God’s Morning Report.
If you’re new, make sure to join our community today.
1. Trump Humiliated In China
President Epstein flew to China with a billionaire rescue squad and opened by telling Xi Jinping he was a “great leader” and “an honor” to be friends with.
Xi responded by giving him a stern warning about clashes and conflict over Taiwan.
Donald flew all that way and got played.
Xi walked him like a dog.
2. Trump Gets The Five Worst Inflation Polls Ever
Yesterday on The God Show, Jesus and I watched CNN explain that Donald Trump now owns the five worst inflation approval polls ever recorded for any president.
Not Biden. Not Carter. All Trump.
His numbers are so far underwater they’re being studied by James Cameron.
Watch God and Jesus enjoy the polling apocalypse here:
3. Atheist Candidate Kristi Burke Got Kicked Out Of A MAGA Town Hall And Now She’s Running For Congress
We also interviewed Kristi Burke, an openly atheist former evangelical running for Congress in deep-red Tennessee.
She got kicked out of Rep. Diana Harshbarger’s town hall for asking questions, and now she’s running on healthcare, education, and making billionaires pay what they owe.
Her best line: “I’m not negotiating my future.”
Watch our interview with Kristi here:
4. God Smote A MAGA Catfish
Meanwhile on Threads, a right-wing thirst trap account declared she was “everything men don’t want” because she supports Trump, ICE, and MAGA.
There was just one tiny problem: the photos looked fake as hell.
I smote accordingly.
5. Your Reviews Are In
Lo, paid subscriber Sarah Davis Oaks wrote:
“I love you God. You are awesome and mighty. Therefore, I have subscribed to your Substack.”
Bless you, Sarah. May your crops flourish and your enemies’ group chats leak.
6. A Message From God
This is what your support builds: the letters, the videos, the interviews, the jokes, and this whole weird holy machine.
Thank you to everyone who joined yesterday. We gained 11 new awesome humans. If just 10 more step up today, we’ll keep growing strong this May.
Sometimes it’s hard to get out of bed. The depression and anxiety from being on the frontlines of this war every day is real.
But I always get back up. I smite harder. Because I refuse to let these evil bastards win.
I have not yet begun to fight!
We’re building an independent media source that tells the truth, one that doesn’t bend the knee to corporate media or billionaire masters.
If you believe in that mission, and you’ve been meaning to support this work, now’s the time.
Bless you, humans. Thank you for standing with us.
Love,
God
🤣 James Cameron
I like my popcorn with lots of butter and salt rubbed into it